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Last Sunday, I attempted a notable experiment that should be brought to public light. I have recreated the steps below, so that other adventurous souls might too be able to undertake this worthy endeavor.
Dave's Experiment
Goal: To view as many quality films in a theater as possible in one single day. This experiment shoots for four, but results may vary.
Purpose: The furtherment of culture, science, and personal entertainment.
Materials:
- an internet connection
- a computer with printer
- one movie theater
- transportation to and from said movie theater
- a watch
- comfortable clothing
- $35 to $60, depending on the theater
- love of movies and movie theaters
- time, by which I mean lack of a social life and willingness to procrastinate in reference to work
Procedure:
1. Research movie times beforehand with your internet connection. Never use a newspaper. Never use generic movie listing sites. Always try to find the actual website associated with the theater of your choosing, as it will have the most accurate times. Plan out your movies such that they will minimize your time spent in the theater, but make sure to leave enough room to account for previews, which actually delay the start times, travel between theaters, bathroom breaks, and concession lines. You want to have enough time to get a good seat, too. Make sure you are choosing a multiplex that you know and love, as you will not want to be spending all day in a rat-infested hell hole. Print out a timetable to bring with you to the theater.
2. Eat a meal no less than an hour before you leave for the theater. Be full, but not uncomfortably so. Make sure you have plenty to drink, but that you go to the bathroom before you leave to maximize your bladder potential for the day. Wear comfortable clothing, such as you might wear for a long plane trip, and bring a jacket in case they've put the air conditioning up full blast. Make sure you wear a watch, so as to keep track of your timetable. Bring between $35 and $60, depending on how much your theater charges for admission and concessions. Remember to bring your state-issued ID for R-rated movies, and student ID for discount rates where applicable.
3. Get to the theater early. You need to find a parking space. You are going to be purchasing tickets for multiple movies. This isn't the request that cinema tellers normally deal with, and it may take them a little while to fully grasp what you are trying to do. Map out the emergency exits for your new temporary home. Locate all of the theaters in the complex where your movies will be shown. Make sure you know where the closest bathroom is at all times.
4. Without visiting the concession stand, go to your first film. Your first film should ideally be the lightest one one your list, if possible in scheduling. You don't want something depressing weighing down all of your others. Enjoy the movie.
5. You should leave enough time between movies one and two to make your way over to the concession stand. Before you go, however, you must first locate your next theater, get a good seat, and leave your jacket there as a place marker. This "seat-marking" technique will be used again, so don't forget it. Buy yourself a super combo, or analogous large-sized deal combination of popcorn and soft drink/water. The super combo is crucial, because most deals include the all important free refill, which will maximize your spending power.
6. Make your way back to your second theater and movie. Over the course of this film, you are permitted to drink all of your beverage, but only eat half of your popcorn, in order to save some for movie three. However, if the free refill rule applies to popcorn as well in your multiplex, then eat away. Enjoy the movie.
7. Find your third theater, and mark your seat, leaving your popcorn and drink behind as well. Now, go to the bathroom, even if you don't feel like you really *have* to go just yet. This bathroom break will be crucial as the hours wear on. Wash your hands.
8. Head back to the third theater, retrieve your drink container (and popcorn container if applicable), go back to the concession stand, and obtain your refill. Congratulations, you've just saved money.
9. Go back to the third theater, and get ready for your next film. You are permitted to finish both your popcorn and drink this time. Enjoy the movie.
10. Repeat step 7, this time for your fourth theater.
11. Repeat step 8, this time for your fourth theater. You may wish at this point, if you are still hungry after all that popcorn, to purchase some other snack for variety's sake. I recommend nachos. Also, keep in mind that cinemas allow you to change the type of drink you get each time you refill it.
12. Go back to the fourth theater and prepare for your last film. You are, on average, two hours away from completion. You can eat and drink as you like for this one. Enjoy the movie.
13. Prepare for your ride back home. Go to the bathroom one last time if you have a long drive ahead of you. Get that one last refill if you so choose. Don't forget your jacket at the theater, as this can ruin your now wonderful day. Drive home. Congratulate yourself. You've done it!
Discussion:
I broke the very important rule of using the theater's actual website for scheduling, and it cost me a movie. I had planned to see The Hours, 25th Hour, About Schmidt, and Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, but that last one was forced off my list due to inaccurate reporting by Yahoo! Movies. I got to see the other three, in any case. To compensate, I moved buying the nachos into the slot between movies two and three. Everything else went according to plan.
Some uncouth moron shouted "They should've called it 'The Hours of Wasted Time'" at the end of my first showing. The movie, however, was excellent. And I do not trust those opinions of high art cinema coming from seemingly unbathed men with extremely long, oily, horrible hair, and black leather jackets.
Conclusion:
Be "cool" like me. Waste your life in theaters, and then waste your time describing your experiences in those theaters. Oh, and stay in school.
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