In the category of "Had It Coming", we have a new lovely example: Sean Avery of the New York Rangers, antagonist, annoyance, and, now, spleen-laceratee.

I love spleens. More specifically, spleen injuries. Especially the ones that happen in movies or on TV. Let me explain. When a character gets into a near-fatal accident, but lives, writers need to make the injuries sound serious, but without having debilitating or well-known long-term effects. This allows them to ramp up short-term excitement, fear, and so on, and then just forget about everything later, unburdened by any continuing plot points. For example, a character will injure his back, become paralyzed temporarily, but then get back the use of his limbs, and make a "full recovery." Scary there for a second, but everything is ultimately okay. The full recovery is key. "He was in bad shape for a while, but it looks like he will be making a full recovery." Hooray!

But what if the writer wants to make it scarier, more exciting? Everybody's seen the bad accident and the full recovery, the Wile E. Coyote scene change, the unstoppable Terminator. Well maybe we can do something really nasty to the character, something that sounds like it could actually have long-term effects, but still not really mess her up if we want to do a sequel, if this is only the first season. I know, let's remove an organ! A lung? Can you image a one-lunged action star huffing after the bad guy? No, it'll have to be more inconsequential, something small, something that no one ever thinks about or knows what it does...

And so we arrive at the spleen. Everybody picks the spleen. It's practically a drinking game. "She's gonna be okay. She broke two ribs, and the doctors had to remove her spleen, but she's gonna be okay." Thank God!

Of course, the spleen isn't inconsequential, and people who need to have them removed end up with messed-up immune systems. I know this because I learned all about the spleen from watching a movie. Patriot Games. IRA-splinter-group baddies attack Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford) and his family, and his daughter (Thora Birch) ends up losing her spleen! Main IRA-splinter-group baddie Sean Miller (Sean Bean) calls Jack, and dishes out what must be the most ridiculous and amazing bad-guy taunt ever:

Sean Miller: How's the family, Ryan? Nearly lost 'em, didn't you? It's easy to get at them. You should look after your family better, you know? Are you there?
Jack Ryan: Yeah.
Sean: I understand your little girl's feeling better, eh? Lost her spleen though, eh? Pity, that. Make it a mighty tough on her to fight off infection, eh Jacky?
Jack: You sick son of a bitch!

[lifted from IMDb]

It sure will be tough, Sean. If it ever comes up again. Ever since I saw it, whenever I hear the word spleen, that's the first thing I think of, a terrorist in a thick Irish accent taunting Harrison Ford. So, Sean Avery: slainte!

Hil emailed me today this link to a slideshow of pictures of baby bears. I can only imagine that these scientists are weighing the bears because they are ardent Stephen Colbert supporters who realize that when the great bear uprising occurs, they need to know what countermeasures and technology to deploy. I realize that my website is probably not deploying enough of its own technology, so I decided to see what I could make it do in the post.

I installed a while ago, but have had yet to actually use, a reasonably popular script for displaying images called Slimbox, which is a version of Lightbox2 that takes up less room. Here is an example using a bear.

But photos on the web are so 1997. I decided to see if I could also embed a video using the code provided to me by the bear-lover site, which they have titled "Bear cub in a sock" although it is clearly a sack and not a sock that the bear cub is in.

So what do we learn from all this? That I have managed to demonstrate the web design prowess of an 12-year-old girl? Sometimes that's just enough to keep these soulless creatures at bay.

It's the only month that starts with Feb, and love is in the air. I am talking, of course, about Microsoft which, jealous of lothario Google's dating record ("Wherefore art thou, DoubleClick?") and sexually frustrated by Apple's curvy leopard-print dress, has moved past its earlier pickup lines to Yahoo and Facebook, grabbed Yahoo forcefully by the hair, kissed it full on the mouth, and then leaned back casually to await a response. Will it get a slap, or is Yahoo drunk enough on strawberry daiquiris for some casual sumfin-sumfin in the back of Microsoft's Geo Metro? Yahoo! (Google, as everyone knows, drives a plug-in Prius, while Apple rocks a New Beetle). If MS gets a drink in the face from Yahoo's board, it can always mack on their stockholders, and drop poison-pill roofies in their recession-scare mojitos.

I'm not really excited about this possible merger. (Full disclosure: I think I still own Microsoft stock.) I think that at this point Yahoo is only going to drag down whomever tries to acquire it. And I don't want all of my email accounts to suddenly change to me874658923@windowsliveyahoohotmail.omg. Microsoft seriously sees no regulatory hurdles in forming a company combining the top two webmail providers? (Yahoo is #1, Hotmail #2, Gmail a distant #3 or 4 depending on who you believe.) At the same time, combining the usage of the Yahoo and Microsoft search engines would only give a total 26% of the market, as compared to Google's dominating 66%.

What I mean to say is that, since both companies are already kicking Google's butt in email, and since their joined numbers for search would still be losing badly, this may turn out to be an expensive buy for Microsoft with no potential benefits. Microsoft would deal a much bigger blow to Google by acquiring Facebook (although it is way overvalued), since Google's own attempts at social networking have been pretty anemic. I dunno. I was kinda pissed when they spent all that money to develop Xbox Live back in the day, but that seems to be doing well for them.

I detest Microsoft except when their stock makes me money, so I am often conflicted as to how I should judge their business moves. The crappy highway-side view they called Vista makes me laugh and then worry about my savings. But with this merger they've somehow made me upset about the future of my bank and email accounts. Thanks, Microsoft!

And hey, sometimes dotcoms like it when you come on strong, so you just keep doing what you're doing, buddy. No means yes when you've got deep pockets. Remember, there's a Melinda out there for every Bill.

I found a lovely news release at www.cpsc.gov, a site that I'm sure is going to bring me a great deal of joy in the future, as it is home to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission and, most importantly, their treasure trove of safety recalls. Many of the recalls are about as exciting as watching lead paint dry up the brains of children, but there are a few nuggets in there that really shine a spotlight on human stupidity. Like the multiple recalls of candles for their fire-hazardness (some legitimate ones for flammable labels, but one for a candle that burns with a "high flame," which makes visions of flamethrowers dance through my head).

My current favorite, though, has got to be the hot glue guns that short circuit, and then burn and shock people. Where did these glues guns come from, you ask? You guessed it: the Dollar Tree. The recall informs us that they cost "about $1". Which, for the DOLLAR Tree, is -- and I'm just guessing now -- pretty much standard. Really, government? About a dollar? Thanks so much for that carefully researched information!

I want to know who the people are who thought it would be a good idea to buy a hot glue gun at the Dollar Tree. I want to know who thought it would be a good idea to hold a machine in their hand that brought together those too-long-separated sweethearts scalding glue and electricity, and yet only cost a dollar to buy. Have you ever seen the crap they sell at the Dollar Tree? Even their toilet paper puts me in fear for my very life, much less something that connects me to an electrical outlet. Hell, I would have been disappointed if a hot glue gun from the Dollar Tree didn't short circuit.

The lesson of the day is that you shouldn't cheap out on potentially dangerous equipment, or risk the shocking and burning sensations that result from my scorn. Also, if you were one of the mentally unfortunate people who bought this item, be assured that you can return it to the store for a full refund. I hear it's about a dollar.